I would like feedback on my fighting scene!  

"Anon" (tjsielsistneb) 09/16/2015 at 18:12 • Filed to: None

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I like to consider myself good at writing dialogue but I’ve never been good at writing action. I’d like feedback about what you all think about this scene.

Finnegan withdrew his dagger from its sheath. “Listen up asshole, I’m giving you a chance to run away! If I were you I’d take it!”

Calvin smirked and threw his jacket to the ground, revealing a gun strapped to his shoulder. He pulled the gun and pointed it at Finnegan’s center mass. “You really shouldn’t bring a knife to a gunfight!” An eruption of bullets exploded from the pistol, however before one was fired Finnegan had dropped to the floor and under the table between them. In one movement he slid under the table and pushed it forward with all his might at Calvin. Calvin’s eyes went wide as the table started to fly towards him and tried to duck out of the way. However he did not duck far enough as the table still crashed into his ribs and solar plexus. Before Calvin could take a second to erect himself Finnegan was already on his feet rushing towards him. When Finnegan came within a meter of Calvin his foot flew out and kicked the gun Calvin had held in his hand across the room. Finnegan’s foot came back around, this time coming at blistering speed towards Calvin’s head. Calvin reached out and grabbed Finnegan’s boot an inch before it crashed into his temple. “Did you really think you would kill me that easily Malardi?” The man grunted as he strained to hold Finnegan’s foot.

“What do you mean ‘think’?! I’m afraid to tell you that you screwed with the wrong person! Did you forget about the knife?!” Finnegan pulled back the dagger and aimed it at Calvin’s head. Dammit, he wasn’t going out like this! Calvin braced himself and swung up his knees and hit the backside of Finnegan’s. This caused him to lose his balance and miss his head with the dagger, instead only hitting Calvin’s ear. Calvin screamed in pain, it might not of killed him but having a dagger cut his ear in half still hurt like hell! However, not even a second after having his ear cut in two, a second pain awaited him. He might of caused Finnegan to miss his knife throw, however Finnegan was taking advantage of his lost balance and his knee was on a collision course with Calvin’s face. He had no time to react, Finnegan’s knee landed with all 160 pounds of body weight behind it crashed into the bridge of Calvin’s nose breaking it instantly. Calvin was in intense pain but managed to throw Finnegan off of himself. He grabbed the dagger that had sliced his ear and readied it, his arms were shaking from pain and endorphins. Finnegan righted himself and prepared himself for what he hoped would be Calvin’s final attack. Calvin with a loud battle cry bumrushed at Finnegan flailing his knife in every direction. Finnegan rushed at Calvin, they both looked each other in the eyes, they both knew this was the last move, both were all in and all that was left was to show the cards. Calvin’s dagger flew close to left side of Finnegan’s face when he made his move. His arm shot up. Dammit this was going to hurt. The dagger cut through the epidermis and upper muscle like a hot knife through butter. However, luckily Finnegan had positioned his arm in such a way that that the dagger only sliced off a chunk of his muscle and not his entire arm. Though Finnegan could already begin to feel the agonizing pain of his arm being turned into lunch meat this act of sacrifice had awarded him the golden ticket to his victory. His arm rocketed up and crashed into Calvin’s chin with a the heel of his palm. Calvin body rocked to the side from this explosive hit. Finnegan rushed forward and grabbed the man by the neck, royal flush. Finnegan then, with all of his strength, twisted the man’s head, until he heard a loud crack. A second later the Man known as Calvin Victorian was no more.

Finnegan dropped the body of the man he had killed. He himself then dropped to the floor and grabbed his wound, of which he was just starting to appreciate how much it hurt like hell. He reached for his cellphone and called Perth.

“Hey kid what’s up?” She asked over the fuzzy static of the phone.

“Oh you know the usual.” He said sardonically as he talked through the pain of having part of his arm cut off.

“You ok kid?” She asked.

“Just dandy, Blair and I were at the bar having a great time when some assholes decided to smoke bomb the place and kidnap her while I couldn’t see jack. Now everyone’s favorite witch has been kidnaped, half the meat on my left arm is missing, and I’m sitting next to the dead body of a man I just had to kill. So yeah, you could say my day’s going alright.”

SteveLehto > Anon 09/16/2015 at 18:30

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Use fewer exclamation points! They are not necessary!

Party-vi > SteveLehto 09/16/2015 at 18:33

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Message! Not! Received! Re-transmit! For! Clarification!

Anon > SteveLehto 09/16/2015 at 18:41

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You’re right I did over use the exclamation points. I’ll try and tone that down. Thanks!

coelacanthist > Anon 09/16/2015 at 18:43

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I would try to cut back on the “however”.

SteveLehto > Anon 09/16/2015 at 18:53

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And the paragraphs are too long.

I write tons of non fiction but the same rules apply. Long paragraphs are daunting to the reader - doubly so on the screen. Also, it could probably be tightened up a bit. Very minor but always reread later and see if there are tiny things you can chop.

He grabbed the dagger that had sliced his ear and readied it, his arms were shaking from pain and endorphins.

anon-sxmcyecofnu1eocpqsk9iq > Anon 09/16/2015 at 21:48

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It’s extremely good! But there are a couple places here and there where I would put commas.

jester74 > SteveLehto 09/16/2015 at 22:27

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I agree with the super long paragraphs, trim those down.

You can also streamline your prose. Steve gave an example above.

Calvin smirked and threw his jacket to the ground, revealing a gun strapped to his shoulder. He pulled the gun and pointed it at Finnegan’s center mass. “You really shouldn’t bring a knife to a gunfight!” An eruption of bullets exploded from the pistol, however before one was fired Finnegan had dropped to the floor and under the table between them. In one movement he slid under the table and pushed it forward with all his might at Calvin. Calvin’s eyes went wide as the table started to fly towards him and tried to duck out of the way. However he did not duck far enough as the table still crashed into his ribs and solar plexus.

Calvin smirked as he dropped his jacket, revealing a shoulder holster. He pulled the gun, aiming at Finnegan’s center mass. “You really shouldn’t bring a knife to a gunfight”. Bullets erupted from the gun as Calvin fired, however Finnegan had already dropped as the trigger was pulled. In one movement, he slid under the table between them and pushed it forward with all his might at Calvin. Calvin’s eyes widened as the table careened towards him and he attempted to duck. His attempt failed as the table crashed into his ribs and solar plexus.

Grindintosecond > Anon 09/17/2015 at 13:39

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What I’m going through, for my own writing, is the editing process. Learning how to really use it. A finished project goes through several drafts. I never knew this until near the end of College. Now, as far as writing something that is new to you, like as you said-Action, start reading it. Writers all say the same thing. Write, write, write, but they also say to read, read, read.

Action writers, Lee Child, Cussler, etc. I would especially point you to Lee Child-20+ books now of the same ex-military drifter and it does not sugar coat violent fighting. As far as dialogue, which I noticed started off in your piece but had virturally none until the ending phone call, could be worked in there. Some writers have books with nothing but dialogue. George V. Higgins (mob/crime) wrote books so saturated there was hardly anything else, and they were good!

So, I suggest reading more action novels and looking at editing out any extra descriptions and modifiers. Action is short and quick. Personally I think the writing should match the pace of action.

Keep writing! Keep going!